Sunday, July 26, 2009

A New Hope

Ha ha. I just got done watching a Star Wars panel at Comic-Con. So anyways, time to start I guess.

I've been a self mutilator for about seven years now. My mutilation method of choice before was cutting, but I've found a new love of my life: ANA!!! OMG. It's one of the best highs I've felt in a long time. And it's been quite a while. I'm 20 years old, going on 42. It's not the place I pictured myself being just a few years ago. I thought I'd be finishing college, starting a career, buying a house with my lovely fiance. But instead I've ended up here: fat, overworked, unhappy. I have two passions in my life now: my daughter and Ana.

I've always been obsessed with weight. When I was skinnier, I thought I was a fat cow. At 98 lbs. I was still a little bigger than I want to end up being, but its better than my starting weight before all this: 135!!! I just had a baby, and my highest weight then was 162. I'm 4'9"....did I mention that? That's morbidly obese for my height. ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY HORRIBLE!!!!

Now that I have that out of my system, I wouldn't change my daughter for the world. I love her more than anything else ever. BUT why did I have to completely mutilate my body to have her??? Stretchmarks, saggy boobs, and 20 lbs later, I'm a fat heifer who's fiance thinks she's now a 6 or 7 rather than the 9 I was before. I want to be a 10 mother fucking goddammit. So, I've had to turn to drastic measures.

I've tried the master cleanse before, but, like everything else, I messed that up and gave in to pizza after the first 24 hours. PIZZA? That's not even my favorite food!!! Why couldn't it have been sushi, or chocolate, or something somewhat worth while?

Well, here are my goals:

Starting weight: 135
Current weight: 131.5
Ultimate Goal weight: 80 (17.3 BMI)
Short Term Goal weight: 100 (By August 29th)

I know, I have some lofty goals, but I really think I can make it!! I have a lot of willpower right this second, so I feel good. I've been doing a water fast since 7/25/09, and it's going ok so far. 3 days in, and I had a tiny binge yesterday, which I promptly purged. I've never really purged after a binge before. I would usually just wallow in self loathing, and hate myself and give up for a good week, still stuffing my face cuz I hated myself. But now, I've got more self control and I know one mess up might not totally kill my fast. I still lost a good 1.5 lbs, so I'm not going to count that as going off my fast ;) I'm planning on staying with this one for 10 days, then going for a 25 day juice fast until my birthday!!! I'm turning 21, so I'm definitely getting drunk as a skunk, and I need to be off my fast so I don't die, haha. The key to being a good Ana is getting as skinny as possible without dying. If you live on that edge, I dub you Queen Ana.

I got started on this by reading other people's blogs, and I have to say... you ladies are a-freaking-mazing!!! I can't believe some of the wonderful, inspirational stories I've heard on here. Especially from Kat, Eva, and Ana Regzig. You ladies are truely an inspiration to all of us aspiring for the perfection of Thin, a Thinspiration if you will. I cannot wait to follow in your footsteps.

By the way, if anyone has any questions about anything relating fasts, master cleanse, and especially EXERCISE, I can definitely help. I guess you can say I'm more of the compulsive exerciser. I will have a zero calorie day and still run a good 5-10 miles. I want to do marathons eventually. I absolutely LOVE exercising, and I would die without it. It's the easiest way to really enhance your starving high and burn EVEN MORE calories. Absolute bliss!! So, I'm going to comment on all kinds of blogs now before I head for work, and give all of you ladies the support I'm looking for to stay strong. I love you all!!!


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