Failure!

So, of course, I've binged. How did I know I would ruin it again. You would think when you have your mind set on something, maybe, just maybe you could keep with it. Well, back to square one. I'm going to start another water fast today cuz it was working really freaking well. I lost a pound a day for a week, and it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. They are so right: Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. I'm totally going to be good this time...I hope.

I've found out what my triggers are, so I just need to avoid them. I've decided to do water fasting two days on and one day off, with one day a week of eating below 300 calories. The days I'm not water fasting, I'll have a juice fast. This is just to keep myself from binging while I get used to not eating at all. I'm going to do this for as long as possible, and for every week I do it, I'll put away 20 bucks. Then by the time my birthday comes around, I'll be able to buy some nice clothing for myself.

What's really awesome though, is how easy this all is to hide. My fiance has no clue, and when I told him I wanted to water fast he didn't know what it was. I told him it was a detoxifying process, and he was totally cool with it. I can't believe he wasn't suspicious at all. It was so empowering to know I'm hiding it from all my family.

So, what am I going to do with all this newfound thinness? I believe I'll actually pursue my dream of being an actress and model. Not sure exactly how I'm going to break out into the biz, but we'll see how things go. Craigslist is my best friend, so I know I'll be looking on there for some new gigs. I could be the new, skinnier Halle Barry!! Haha, JK. I need to find a way to make more money for sure though. All this living with my mother-in-law is getting on my last freaking nerve. I hate having to listen to her bitch all the time, and her annoying, rude ass boyfriend. This is turning out to be a bad living situation already and I've only been here for about 2 weeks now. That's sad. Hopefully with all this money I'm going to be saving every week from not eating, I can go ahead and put some away for moving out.

It's so much easier not to eat when you're stressed or depressed. I feel when I'm alone is the best time for me to get a shitload of thinspiration in. It sucks though, cuz I feel I need a partner in crime. Having support definitely helps, I'm sure, and reading everyone's blogs on here and making my rounds to the thinspiration sites helps.

One question though. I know a lot of you take muliviatmins to help out with the lack of nutrients, but I'm finding that when I take them I'm ridiculously sick to my stomach, so it gets in the way of my daily tasks like driving. Does anyone have a solution for this? I think maybe I'll try taking them in the evenings when I get home from work so I can curb my craving for dinner and not have to go anywhere for the rest of the night. Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I'm so excited again to put in some hard work for my body. Writing in this blog more often will definitely help to keep me motivated, I think. Comment on me and show me that you're out there supporting me guys!! I'd really appreciate it!

Much <3

Still Trekkin'

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen!!
I'm still going strong. I went running today after sticking to my water fast, so I'm feeling awesome. I little sick to my stomach, and tired as hell, but I'm still alive and getting thinner and that's all that matters. Gotta keep this short though cuz my fiance is in the other room.

So, I've found something pretty cool. I love watching the Food Network while I'm fasting!! It's like I can taste what they're making, so I feel like I've eaten, but I haven't and it totally curbs my cravings. I'm sure it's not the same for everyone, some people must have nightmares about accidentally flipping to the Food Network while on a fast and binging their head's off. Well, for me it works but be careful trying it.

So my run was amazing. There's nothing more thinspirational than running on a cool beach at sunset with the spray hitting your face and the fog rolling in. It was absolutely amazing. Unfortunately, because I haven't eaten in a few days, it was much harder on me than usual, so that kinda sucked. But all in all a good day.

I weigh in again in the morning, as usual, and I hope to god I've lost a good 1.5-2 more lbs. I need a boost to keep going. I've stopped myself from cravings so many times today, I deserve a freaking metal. By the way, I've decided to do a poll once a week to try to get people to comment on my blog, give advice, and give support, cuz I really need it!! So, this week's question is:

What is the best Thinspiration you've ever witnessed, heard, seen, etc.? It can be absolutely ANYTHING. Start posting, starve on, and much <3 for all you beautiful ladies!!! I'm right here with you!!! I'm out for the night.

A New Hope

Ha ha. I just got done watching a Star Wars panel at Comic-Con. So anyways, time to start I guess.

I've been a self mutilator for about seven years now. My mutilation method of choice before was cutting, but I've found a new love of my life: ANA!!! OMG. It's one of the best highs I've felt in a long time. And it's been quite a while. I'm 20 years old, going on 42. It's not the place I pictured myself being just a few years ago. I thought I'd be finishing college, starting a career, buying a house with my lovely fiance. But instead I've ended up here: fat, overworked, unhappy. I have two passions in my life now: my daughter and Ana.

I've always been obsessed with weight. When I was skinnier, I thought I was a fat cow. At 98 lbs. I was still a little bigger than I want to end up being, but its better than my starting weight before all this: 135!!! I just had a baby, and my highest weight then was 162. I'm 4'9"....did I mention that? That's morbidly obese for my height. ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY HORRIBLE!!!!

Now that I have that out of my system, I wouldn't change my daughter for the world. I love her more than anything else ever. BUT why did I have to completely mutilate my body to have her??? Stretchmarks, saggy boobs, and 20 lbs later, I'm a fat heifer who's fiance thinks she's now a 6 or 7 rather than the 9 I was before. I want to be a 10 mother fucking goddammit. So, I've had to turn to drastic measures.

I've tried the master cleanse before, but, like everything else, I messed that up and gave in to pizza after the first 24 hours. PIZZA? That's not even my favorite food!!! Why couldn't it have been sushi, or chocolate, or something somewhat worth while?

Well, here are my goals:

Starting weight: 135
Current weight: 131.5
Ultimate Goal weight: 80 (17.3 BMI)
Short Term Goal weight: 100 (By August 29th)

I know, I have some lofty goals, but I really think I can make it!! I have a lot of willpower right this second, so I feel good. I've been doing a water fast since 7/25/09, and it's going ok so far. 3 days in, and I had a tiny binge yesterday, which I promptly purged. I've never really purged after a binge before. I would usually just wallow in self loathing, and hate myself and give up for a good week, still stuffing my face cuz I hated myself. But now, I've got more self control and I know one mess up might not totally kill my fast. I still lost a good 1.5 lbs, so I'm not going to count that as going off my fast ;) I'm planning on staying with this one for 10 days, then going for a 25 day juice fast until my birthday!!! I'm turning 21, so I'm definitely getting drunk as a skunk, and I need to be off my fast so I don't die, haha. The key to being a good Ana is getting as skinny as possible without dying. If you live on that edge, I dub you Queen Ana.

I got started on this by reading other people's blogs, and I have to say... you ladies are a-freaking-mazing!!! I can't believe some of the wonderful, inspirational stories I've heard on here. Especially from Kat, Eva, and Ana Regzig. You ladies are truely an inspiration to all of us aspiring for the perfection of Thin, a Thinspiration if you will. I cannot wait to follow in your footsteps.

By the way, if anyone has any questions about anything relating fasts, master cleanse, and especially EXERCISE, I can definitely help. I guess you can say I'm more of the compulsive exerciser. I will have a zero calorie day and still run a good 5-10 miles. I want to do marathons eventually. I absolutely LOVE exercising, and I would die without it. It's the easiest way to really enhance your starving high and burn EVEN MORE calories. Absolute bliss!! So, I'm going to comment on all kinds of blogs now before I head for work, and give all of you ladies the support I'm looking for to stay strong. I love you all!!!